Joey Essex – why is his haircut banned in Billericay?

Joey Essex … haircut crisis.

Name: Joey Essex

Age: 22

Appearance: Hahahahaha ...

Excuse me? … hahahahahahahaha....

Yes, you said that. What does it mean? It means he looks as if he's been dunked up to the eyebrows in a vat of Immac.

It's called Veet now. Whatever. He's someone off The Only Way is Essex and he's basically hairless until you get to the top of his head, where a luxuriant bouffant can be found. Ergo: prat.

It's not easy being a young person these days. All the non-ridiculous haircuts have been taken. You have to let them experiment with their own style. No you don't. Essex (the person) is corrupting Britain's youth and damaging their education!

Perhaps that's a bit extreme? No it isn't. And one head teacher in Billericay isn't standing for it any more. Sue Hammond of Billericay School has written a letter to parents telling them not to let their sons adopt what she calls "extreme hairstyles", or "he'll be unable to attend mainstream lessons until such time as his hair has grown out".

Crikey. You may well say that, but this is only applying the school's uniform policy, and it has the support of Basildon council. "I would ask parents to be patient," says deputy leader Phil Turner, "and take on the message that it's meant not as a draconian measure, but a plea for pupils to look nice."

Naturally we all rely on Basildon council for advice in that department. The school has even been in contact with the town's barbers to warn them that they will not tolerate hair around the sides that's any shorter than grade two. Some barbers are warning boys about it, but they say they will continue to do fuseys if their customers insist.

Sorry, what are fuseys? The "fusey" is what Essex named the hairstyle. As well as his ghastly new boutique in Brentwood. He's also allegedly responsible for the word "reem" – to mean "attractive" – as well as "creepysick", the meaning of which remains unclear.

I see. Do you?

Not really. I thought as much.

Do say: "Your fusey's looking well reem."

Don't say: "I didn't know you could get sunstroke from a tanning machine."