What's in a tie?

Kevin Rudd sporting a questionably bright blue tie: what could this mean?

If the recent Australian political brouhaha has taught us anything – and admittedly this is a dubious proposition – it is that we are now living in a new world. A world in which we are being forced to abandon old modes of thinking and reconstruct our conceptions of democracy and power.

Or to put it another way, a world in which we are apparently going to have to think about the colour of ties a lot. This started when the entire body politic had some kind of seizure and everyone went around yelling “blue ties” for a few days, but it would seem that was just harbinger of the tie-centric discourse to come. Witness this report on Kevin Rudd’s new campaign ad, which places his “startling hot pink tie” front and centre. And his tie onslaught doesn’t stop there: the electrifying blue number he sported when announcing his plans for Labor party reform was clearly chosen to send a message: "there is a new neck in town, and it is trying to hypnotise you.”

With this new tie-savvy perspective, it might be worth examining a few other notable political ties, to see what they are telling us:

The red tie

'Red is the colour of communism'.

When Barack Obama told the world that he had hunted down and taken out Osama bin Laden, he selected a sedate yet distinctive red number. Now, naturally, red is the colour of communism, so it’s possible that he was indicating that bin Laden’s death was a victory for Marxist principles. Red is also the colour of the blood of Christ – it may be that Obama was trying to emphasise to us all that yes, he IS the Messiah. Either way, this was the US president’s way of letting us know via neckwear that he is in charge, and nobody better mess with him.

The light blue tie

By contrast with Obama’s powerful socialist/Christian message, Tony Abbott made the fateful decision to wear a tie of palest blue on the day of Julia Gillard’s famous “misogyny” speech. The colour blue itself can be problematic, of course, as it is associated with depression and therefore extremely appropriate for parliament. But Abbott compounded the problem by making his blue, not dazzlingly electric like Rudd’s yesterday, but pale and sky-hued. The feeble, washed-out nature of the blue naturally aroused Gillard’s killer instinct, and so Abbott was humiliated, all because he fatally showed his weakness to his enemy via the medium of tie.

The spotted purple tie

'Purple is the colour of royalty'.

But what to do when you’re trying to project, not strength and confidence, but humility? Rupert Murdoch, a man who has worn more ties than you’ve had hot dinners, chose a sort of spotted purple number for what he termed “the most humble day of his life”, appearing before the House of Commons. What does this mean? Well, purple is of course the colour of royalty, so it’s only natural that Murdoch chose his tie to convey the message that he wishes to rule us all like a king. But it is also the colour of piety, so he wanted us to know he will rule us as a nice, friendly king. And then he added the little white spots, which were meant to suggest that even though he may be a mighty purple king, he understands us, the little spots on the tie of his empire, and he has our best interests at heart. And by this sophisticated tie-selection Rupert won all of our hearts and we genuinely believed he was a sad old man with the world on his shoulders.

In this brave new world, some will thrive, and some will flounder. Not everyone can be as ruthlessly incisive a tie-wearer as Kevin Rudd. But whatever cream may rise to the top, it’s clear that we’re all going to have to take a crash course in tie-deciphering if we want to know what’s going on in the corridors of power from now on. Be tie-aware, Australia: your freedom depends on it.